One of the things that stood out for me almost immediately after I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer is how impactful people’s words were. In fact, I wrote a piece titled “What People Say” that was showcased as part of a play in Bozeman, Montana. This experience highlighted the profound influence that language can have on a person’s emotional and mental well-being, especially during such a vulnerable time.
I understand how difficult it is to know what to say, and I am guilty of saying some awkward things myself when faced with big or shocking situations. Still, I just could not believe the plethora of strange comments: “You cancer people are so lucky, you get everything for free!” Comments like these, though often well-intentioned, can come across as insensitive and diminish the gravity of the situation.
In the midst of my journey, I thought about writing suggestions on what to say, but as I asked my cancer peers about it, I realized that what is encouraging to me might not be to another. For example, I appreciated when one of my sisters reminded me that I was strong. On the other hand, one of my cancer sisters told me she hated being told she was strong because she felt she didn’t have a choice, so the comment triggered anger for her. This disparity in responses illuminated a crucial truth: there is no one-size-fits-all approach to offering support.
What it really comes down to is meeting the person where they are. This means being attuned to their unique emotional state and needs at any given moment. It’s about listening more and speaking less, about asking how you can support them rather than assuming you know the best way to do so.
Brené Brown has a wonderful video short on Empathy vs Sympathy that shows how to create connection vs. disconnection. It’s a less than five-minute video with a simple and visually creative way to help us learn how to be better at navigating life’s difficult conversations. Brown emphasizes that empathy fuels connection, while sympathy drives disconnection. Empathy involves feeling with people and acknowledging their pain, rather than trying to silver-line their suffering.
We can all do better at what we say! Here are a few additional tips to consider:
- Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of making statements, ask questions like, “How are you sleeping?” or “How is your appetite?” This shows that you are genuinely interested in their well-being and willing to listen.
- Offer Practical Help: Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Offering to run errands, cook meals, or drive them to appointments can be incredibly supportive.
- Avoid Comparisons: Refrain from comparing their situation to someone else’s. Each person’s experience with cancer is unique, and comparisons can make them feel misunderstood.
- Be Patient and Present: Give them the space to express their feelings, whether it’s anger, sadness, or fear. Being present without trying to fix things can be very comforting.
- Follow Their Lead: Pay attention to cues about what they want to talk about. If they want to discuss their illness, be open to it. If they want to focus on other topics, respect that too.
Life is full of difficult challenges, and the right words can make a significant difference in how someone copes. By being mindful, empathetic, and supportive, we can help create a more compassionate and understanding environment for those going through tough times.
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